lunes, 11 de julio de 2011

Until you can no longer do it

This is my cousin and I in a wedding


“I can’t do it anymore! I’m tired!” my brother grabs me and told me, “No! That’s not true! You can give more! I trust on you!” when I hear that words, my mind blow up. That remembers to my cousin, like 7 years before. One day, I think it was November, it was very cold and my cousin stays in my house. I remember very well that we made a plan, which we were going to the hills of my colony. We grab our bicycles, they were very cold because   last night we left outside and it was the middle of the winter. I have the texture of the rusty metal tube of the bike, frozen. We start to push our bikes and then we start to ride. The beginning was very easy, a lot of down hills, but then the thing start to get harder but acceptable. Then my cousin that has only 10 years start to going faster, and I start to follow him. When we finally reach the highest mountain of the colony, it was intense how that majestic thing was in front of us. You can see the big pines, the road that we were going to take was very uphill, but when I say uphill it because it was! My cousin stay a little time seem the road, analyzing, I saw him I told myself “how a kid of 10 years can admire this things?” mean while my cousin return to the reality, he told me “ok, we are going to do something, we are going to ride this mountain, but with one condition… we can’t stop” I remember that the wind blow a little, with my little age of 8 years, I think that the mountain was telling us “common! Dear me!” I was little so I think it will be difficult but not so much, so I tell him “ok let’s do it!” my cousin start going, behind was me, he treats the mountain with respect, and he doesn’t waste his energy at the beginning, mean while, I want to get first at the top of the mountain, so I pass over my cousin and start to waste my energy. My cousin does not tell me anything, and I was rush to get the top! At the middle of the mountain the thing start to get harder, and each pedaling was harder to do it. I start to feel that my legs start to burn and they hurt a lot! Like if someone put a lighter in your legs, something like that. I start to think on quit our promise and when I slow down the only thing I hear was my cousin scream at me “don’t you dare to stop!” I tell him “I can´t do it anymore!” he yell at me again “No! When someone asks you to give your 100 %, you need to give your 110% and never but never quit, even more if it’s a promise!” I saw him to the eyes, for me this was suffering but then I saw him very closely and I figurate out that for him it was hard to. This entire thing pass in 3 seconds, I keep pedaling and pedaling and my cousin stay beside me. The last quarter of the mountain was the hardest thing I realize in my entire life; this part also was very uphill, with rocks and leaves. My body can’t do anymore, I was wasted, but the courage and the faith on my cousin let me still going. I remember that I feel a drop of swept in my head going down through my face and how that little tiny drop make me felt fresh, that tiny drop make my body react again! Finally there it was the peak of the mountain followed by a cliff. When we arrived I just throw my bike and fell on the floor. We stay there like 15 minutes, then my cousin tell my “c´mon! let’s go!”  we start to ride down the hill, I remember the air touching my face like a breeze of the ocean. This experience changes my life! Until now I see my cousin, the only thing is that him has now 18 years and I have 16 years, he needs to graduate for the high school this year, and he is giving all his strength, something like me, when I was riding the mountain, so this time I give him all the support and tell him the same words that he tell me in the mountain.

1 comentario:

  1. Javier:

    What a great way to start! Starting with dialogue is a great way to get your reader interested in what you have to say.

    That said, take a look at your present/past tense, because you have issues throughout. Some is written in present, some is written in past. When you write in the present, it gives you an urgency to what you are writing, when you write in the past, it often feels like more of a memory.

    Also, break up your writing into paragraphs! And, every time a new speaker starts talking in written dialogue, you have to skip to a new line. So you first few sentences should looks like this:

    “I can’t do it anymore! I’m tired!”

    My brother grabs me and tells me, “No! That’s not true! You can give more! I trust on you!”

    When I hear that words, my mind blows up.


    See how much stronger that looks?

    "I have the texture of the rusty metal tube of the bike, frozen." That is a great description! Continue to use phrases like that in your writing.

    What a great story. I am so glad that you use lots of dialogue. I think it helps to add urgency to the idea of your story. That said, check your grammar a little more carefully next time. And, as long as you e-mail your work early (by Friday), I can always take a look at it and help you with your writing.

    Best,
    Miss K

    ResponderEliminar